I’m your basic middle class male who was raised to respect women and never hit them. I am a good provider and a hard worker. I have authored 2 best selling books and sold a self-started company. My attitude didn’t change when I got married. I regularly helped my wife cook and clean when I came home from a long day of work. That’s why I am also one of those in total disbelief this would ever happen to me.
I hate the term battered man, I liken myself more to someone who has been through a war and survived. I can say from experience the system (judicial, police, local, state, and federal government agencies) does virtually nothing to help a man when he’s on the receiving end of a female abusers attacks. It’s not always easy to write in detail about emotional personal issues, but I hope telling this will help others.
My wife’s verbal attacks upon me began one month after we were married. First I was told, “I don’t want you sitting next to me on the couch. I don’t care if you want to watch TV also. Go in the other room and leave me ALONE.” She repeated this continually for weeks after that.
My ex-wife was very prone to putting me down, in private and in public. She would usually verbally abuse me in the house, but when it was in public, she’d do it most often in front of her friends as though she was controlling a dog – “You STAY. I’m leaving with my girlfriends to go shop while we’re in Vegas.” (I took her to Vegas for a weekend getaway. The arrival of her friends was a surprise).
Living with my wife was like living in a war zone. Whenever I didn’t “psychically” know what was wrong when her moods would swing, she would yell: “Are you stupid?” Whenever I would forget something she asked me to do such as don’t walk on the floor after it was just mopped: “You better *expletive* clean the wax out of your ears and listen the first time!” According to her I was to blame for her anger and everything that went wrong in our marriage.
Our first Christmas as man and wife she told me, “I always spend Christmas with my parents. You’re not coming. There’s no discussion. I’m leaving. Don’t call me or visit their house. I’ll be back whenever.” – I spent my first Christmas as a newly married man weeping in my living room alone.
Coping to save our marriage I started bringing books home like Relationship Rescue and other titles. My purpose was to help us bring more love and understanding into our marriage. She put one book through a paper shredder and said, “This sh** doesn’t work!”
She was insanely jealous of the loving relationship I had with my Dad, Mom, brothers and sisters. In order to punish me for not acquiescing to her demands that I spend less (i.e. no) time with my extended family, she shredded most of the irreplaceable photos of my Dad, Mom, brothers and sisters.
Then one night her abuse became physical. We had been trying to get pregnant for about four months when she told me that she wanted to use donor sperm to get pregnant. I thought it was way too soon and I reminded her that the fertility doctor had told us that there were no physical problems with either of us and to be patient. She was adamant and became enraged. She said, “I want a child and I want it now.” When I continued to disagree with her she slapped me hard in the face. I was stunned.
When I confronted her and said she had no right to lay a hand on me and I was in fear of what she could do to our future children, she replied, “if you’re going to get your tiny feelings in a bunch over a little slap, you need to go to therapy TO WORK ON YOUR PROBLEMS.” I knew then that children should never be brought into this violent marriage.
Later, I came upon a written letter where my wife agreed with her friend’s idea to “have a child and then dump me”. Her friend even offered steps on how to catch my sperm in a condom for insemination later.
I packed and left immediately. Ironically, the day she slapped me for not wanting her to become a mother using other men’s sperm was Mother’s Day, just seven months after our wedding day.
Although I left and the divorce was filed the abuse continued. My ex-wife would not only threaten me, she would also threaten my Mom as well. She made good on her threat shortly after I left her.
Upon the advice of my attorney, I returned to my house a few weeks later to get my personal belongings as my wife admitted in court to destroying them. My mother came with me. My Mom is a petite, elderly woman who stands just 4’11″ tall. My soon to be ex-wife chose to express her anger by slamming my elderly mother into a mirrored closet door. She physically attacked me as well that day.
As we both left the house being attacked, my father in law (magically) arrived and pushed and challenged me to punch him. We left without touching anyone. I called the police when we were in my car.
They arrived and did not call an ambulance for my mom, did not recommend any of the numerous government and legal resources available (i.e. hot lines, restraining orders, etc) and downgraded the event to a “property dispute”.
Further, the police threatened me by saying, “if you return, sir, we will arrest you for trespassing”. Keep in mind, I’m on the deed and I own the house. This attack left my mother bruised and later X-rays revealed she also suffered a near fracture as my wife beat a camera from her hands. Four counts of assault and battery/Domestic Violence with pictures and witnesses and no arrests.
If you’re male and subject to domestic violence from your wife there is little help for you.
If you’re like me, someone who’s trying to protect your rights, your property, and your family from an abusive wife, and an bias system, take heart. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Tell your story, and do what you can to take care of yourself to regain what’s important to you.