SUZANNE SHEPPARD Sunday, August 15 2010

I’M GUILTY and I want to confess. I also want to apologise to all the men who continue to suffer in silence right here in Trinidad and Tobago because of people like me who barely acknowledge their plight.

Over several years I have written and spoken out about domestic abuse but I have focused almost exclusively on battered women, helping to perpetrate the misconception that this problem affects only women.
Click here to read the rest

Audio interview with Dr. Emily Douglas by Michael Ortiz of DadsDivorce.com

Here is an excerpt from the WEtv series, The Secret Lives of Women.  This episode originally aired in December 2009.  In this segment, Jan Brown was interviewed about her role as Director of the DAHMW and how she recognized the need for an organization that gave male victims of domestic violence a means of seeking guidance, so she started the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men.

Time passed and we moved in together, I got pregnant, was very sick and very hateful. I started saying mean things then. Sometimes I would get angry and throw things, remote control, telephone, cups. We both just blamed it on the pregnancy, hormones, etc. Well the baby came. Two weeks after that I had my first full blown rage. I hit George, threw things at him, cussed him, and wanted to hurt him badly. I had no reason as for why, so we blamed it on the post partum.

Things never got any better. I was cruel, and very mean. There were times I wanted to kill him, and even tried. I would get knives and practically hold him hostage in a room. Only the door was between him and the crazy maniac I must have looked like.

Sometimes these episodes would last a few minutes, sometimes a couple of hours. When it was over I would cry, and apologize and swear I wouldn’t do it again. I would also mean it every time. I always thought I would never do it again. I had horrible feelings of sadness, guilt, shame. Why would I want to put myself through that, let alone anyone else? I never got up and thought, “Today I will make George miserable.” No, there were never any warning signs. I could be having a good day or a bad day. You never knew when it was going to happen, or what would set it off.

After several months of this, I realized – it’s me! I knew this because this time, this person, was trying to get away from me. He wasn’t fighting back. He was running for his life. I had a BIGME. I called the mental health agency and told them I needed help with anger management. (To say the least.) I probably should have said I am a homicidal maniac! Anyway, I got into therapy once a week. Tried a few meds. The rages kept happening. I cut George with a knife. I wrapped a telephone cord around his neck. I couldn’t stand what was happening. I was so hopeless on anything changing. I didn’t want to hurt him anymore, but I didn’t know how to stop. problem. There was something wrong with me.

Slowly the rages got further apart. Some medicines started helping with the mood swings. I realized a lot about myself. Lots of things in my past were left unresolved. I had a huge fear of abandonment, rejection, and a feeling that nothing good would last for long. So, I obviously tried to destroy it. I never tried to control George, ever. He thought the rages were an attempt at that. They weren’t. I was trying to control me, my emotions, my fears. Fight or flight, and I had nowhere to go.

The life he lived with me was probably the most horrible life anyone can live. I can’t begin to imagine the feelings and emotions he went through. The fear, the hurt, the confusion. The anger at the net end results of someone else’s mistakes. How unfair that is for him. I am at a point now that I know I will never be that person again. I will never cause anyone or myself that much misery.

There is living and there is trying to stay alive. We weren’t living and he was trying to stay alive. I can never apologize to him enough for what I did and the part of his life that I practically took away from him. Besides everyone knows you can only say “I am sorry” so many times before it loses ALL meaning. I left a month ago. I miss him so much, although I had one of the sickest ways of showing it. I love him with all my heart. He has a lot of healing to do and I have to work on trying to forgive myself. The concept of doing that is very hard to grasp. It’s hard to forgive someone for destroying your entire world, it’s even harder when you have done it to yourself. I hope one day George can forgive me too. I hope that he can get back all the parts that made me fall in love with him, and made him one of the greatest people I have ever known. All the parts I tried to destroy.

My ex always wanted to pretend wrestle. She would start pinching me, grabbing me, trying to throw me on the ground. At first it was fun, but then it became sick. She would try to cause me harm. She would bite me, try to cut me, give me Indian burns. I would resist her, but she became more and more abusive. All while pretending that it was just “play”.

We became sexual. This was the worst mistake of my life. She became furious when I protested that we use protection, and that she go on the pill, or use a birth control other than my condoms. She told me that it made her sick, and that I was abusive to want her to take responsibility. She became demanding of sex, telling me when we were supposed to have it and how, including having sex in the living room of her family’s home. She demanded I beat her in bed, that I cut her with razors – things I would not do. When I refused, she told me that I did not really love her; that I was cruel.

It was then that she began to beg for unprotected sex. I would tell her no. She would try to rape me, and succeeded a few times. My fear that she would become pregnant was enormous. It still haunts me to this day. It was then that she told me she had cancer, and could not have children. She said that this was why she wanted unprotected sex – because it did not matter since she could not become pregnant. She told me at first that it meant she was sterile. Then she added a new dimension: she told me she only had a few years to live.

I was emotionally trapped. Believing that she only had a few years to live, I put up with the constant rape, leaving me bruised and scared. I put up with mind games, including her pretending that I had cheated on her, so she could yell at me. And I put up with being “broken up with”, and being given “the silent treatment” so I could “know how horrible I was”.

To make things worse, my girlfriend then began to pretend that she was pregnant. She would joke about what I wanted to name my children. She would tell me that she lied about being sterile. I would cry in pain. Then she would say it was a joke. She repeatedly told me that she was dying, but would tell me different stories and different lengths to live, just to torture me.

I managed to escape a few weeks ago. I live in constant fear that she will come after me. I have no moments peace. I have sexuality issues now. I have no desire to date another woman ever again. Any sexual thoughts I have are geared toward frustration and anger. My insurance does not cover psychologists and I cannot afford a therapist. I feel trapped. I urge any men who are being abused, whether it is physical, sexual, emotional or financial, to escape to a shelter immediately. You do not deserve to be treated the way you are. You have done nothing wrong. It takes a REAL man to ask for help. Be a real man. Seek help for yourself, your family, and the woman battering you.