Time passed and we moved in together, I got pregnant, was very sick and very hateful. I started saying mean things then. Sometimes I would get angry and throw things, remote control, telephone, cups. We both just blamed it on the pregnancy, hormones, etc. Well the baby came. Two weeks after that I had my first full blown rage. I hit George, threw things at him, cussed him, and wanted to hurt him badly. I had no reason as for why, so we blamed it on the post partum.

Things never got any better. I was cruel, and very mean. There were times I wanted to kill him, and even tried. I would get knives and practically hold him hostage in a room. Only the door was between him and the crazy maniac I must have looked like.

Sometimes these episodes would last a few minutes, sometimes a couple of hours. When it was over I would cry, and apologize and swear I wouldn’t do it again. I would also mean it every time. I always thought I would never do it again. I had horrible feelings of sadness, guilt, shame. Why would I want to put myself through that, let alone anyone else? I never got up and thought, “Today I will make George miserable.” No, there were never any warning signs. I could be having a good day or a bad day. You never knew when it was going to happen, or what would set it off.

After several months of this, I realized – it’s me! I knew this because this time, this person, was trying to get away from me. He wasn’t fighting back. He was running for his life. I had a BIGME. I called the mental health agency and told them I needed help with anger management. (To say the least.) I probably should have said I am a homicidal maniac! Anyway, I got into therapy once a week. Tried a few meds. The rages kept happening. I cut George with a knife. I wrapped a telephone cord around his neck. I couldn’t stand what was happening. I was so hopeless on anything changing. I didn’t want to hurt him anymore, but I didn’t know how to stop. problem. There was something wrong with me.

Slowly the rages got further apart. Some medicines started helping with the mood swings. I realized a lot about myself. Lots of things in my past were left unresolved. I had a huge fear of abandonment, rejection, and a feeling that nothing good would last for long. So, I obviously tried to destroy it. I never tried to control George, ever. He thought the rages were an attempt at that. They weren’t. I was trying to control me, my emotions, my fears. Fight or flight, and I had nowhere to go.

The life he lived with me was probably the most horrible life anyone can live. I can’t begin to imagine the feelings and emotions he went through. The fear, the hurt, the confusion. The anger at the net end results of someone else’s mistakes. How unfair that is for him. I am at a point now that I know I will never be that person again. I will never cause anyone or myself that much misery.

There is living and there is trying to stay alive. We weren’t living and he was trying to stay alive. I can never apologize to him enough for what I did and the part of his life that I practically took away from him. Besides everyone knows you can only say “I am sorry” so many times before it loses ALL meaning. I left a month ago. I miss him so much, although I had one of the sickest ways of showing it. I love him with all my heart. He has a lot of healing to do and I have to work on trying to forgive myself. The concept of doing that is very hard to grasp. It’s hard to forgive someone for destroying your entire world, it’s even harder when you have done it to yourself. I hope one day George can forgive me too. I hope that he can get back all the parts that made me fall in love with him, and made him one of the greatest people I have ever known. All the parts I tried to destroy.

My ex always wanted to pretend wrestle. She would start pinching me, grabbing me, trying to throw me on the ground. At first it was fun, but then it became sick. She would try to cause me harm. She would bite me, try to cut me, give me Indian burns. I would resist her, but she became more and more abusive. All while pretending that it was just “play”.

We became sexual. This was the worst mistake of my life. She became furious when I protested that we use protection, and that she go on the pill, or use a birth control other than my condoms. She told me that it made her sick, and that I was abusive to want her to take responsibility. She became demanding of sex, telling me when we were supposed to have it and how, including having sex in the living room of her family’s home. She demanded I beat her in bed, that I cut her with razors – things I would not do. When I refused, she told me that I did not really love her; that I was cruel.

It was then that she began to beg for unprotected sex. I would tell her no. She would try to rape me, and succeeded a few times. My fear that she would become pregnant was enormous. It still haunts me to this day. It was then that she told me she had cancer, and could not have children. She said that this was why she wanted unprotected sex – because it did not matter since she could not become pregnant. She told me at first that it meant she was sterile. Then she added a new dimension: she told me she only had a few years to live.

I was emotionally trapped. Believing that she only had a few years to live, I put up with the constant rape, leaving me bruised and scared. I put up with mind games, including her pretending that I had cheated on her, so she could yell at me. And I put up with being “broken up with”, and being given “the silent treatment” so I could “know how horrible I was”.

To make things worse, my girlfriend then began to pretend that she was pregnant. She would joke about what I wanted to name my children. She would tell me that she lied about being sterile. I would cry in pain. Then she would say it was a joke. She repeatedly told me that she was dying, but would tell me different stories and different lengths to live, just to torture me.

I managed to escape a few weeks ago. I live in constant fear that she will come after me. I have no moments peace. I have sexuality issues now. I have no desire to date another woman ever again. Any sexual thoughts I have are geared toward frustration and anger. My insurance does not cover psychologists and I cannot afford a therapist. I feel trapped. I urge any men who are being abused, whether it is physical, sexual, emotional or financial, to escape to a shelter immediately. You do not deserve to be treated the way you are. You have done nothing wrong. It takes a REAL man to ask for help. Be a real man. Seek help for yourself, your family, and the woman battering you.

I hate the term battered man, I liken myself more to someone who has been through a war and survived. I can say from experience the system (judicial, police, local, state, and federal government agencies) does virtually nothing to help a man when he’s on the receiving end of a female abusers attacks. It’s not always easy to write in detail about emotional personal issues, but I hope telling this will help others.

My wife’s verbal attacks upon me began one month after we were married. First I was told, “I don’t want you sitting next to me on the couch. I don’t care if you want to watch TV also. Go in the other room and leave me ALONE.” She repeated this continually for weeks after that.

My ex-wife was very prone to putting me down, in private and in public. She would usually verbally abuse me in the house, but when it was in public, she’d do it most often in front of her friends as though she was controlling a dog – “You STAY. I’m leaving with my girlfriends to go shop while we’re in Vegas.” (I took her to Vegas for a weekend getaway. The arrival of her friends was a surprise).

Living with my wife was like living in a war zone. Whenever I didn’t “psychically” know what was wrong when her moods would swing, she would yell: “Are you stupid?” Whenever I would forget something she asked me to do such as don’t walk on the floor after it was just mopped: “You better *expletive* clean the wax out of your ears and listen the first time!” According to her I was to blame for her anger and everything that went wrong in our marriage.

Our first Christmas as man and wife she told me, “I always spend Christmas with my parents. You’re not coming. There’s no discussion. I’m leaving. Don’t call me or visit their house. I’ll be back whenever.” – I spent my first Christmas as a newly married man weeping in my living room alone.

Coping to save our marriage I started bringing books home like Relationship Rescue and other titles. My purpose was to help us bring more love and understanding into our marriage. She put one book through a paper shredder and said, “This sh** doesn’t work!”

She was insanely jealous of the loving relationship I had with my Dad, Mom, brothers and sisters. In order to punish me for not acquiescing to her demands that I spend less (i.e. no) time with my extended family, she shredded most of the irreplaceable photos of my Dad, Mom, brothers and sisters.

Then one night her abuse became physical. We had been trying to get pregnant for about four months when she told me that she wanted to use donor sperm to get pregnant. I thought it was way too soon and I reminded her that the fertility doctor had told us that there were no physical problems with either of us and to be patient. She was adamant and became enraged. She said, “I want a child and I want it now.” When I continued to disagree with her she slapped me hard in the face. I was stunned.

When I confronted her and said she had no right to lay a hand on me and I was in fear of what she could do to our future children, she replied, “if you’re going to get your tiny feelings in a bunch over a little slap, you need to go to therapy TO WORK ON YOUR PROBLEMS.” I knew then that children should never be brought into this violent marriage.

Later, I came upon a written letter where my wife agreed with her friend’s idea to “have a child and then dump me”. Her friend even offered steps on how to catch my sperm in a condom for insemination later.

I packed and left immediately. Ironically, the day she slapped me for not wanting her to become a mother using other men’s sperm was Mother’s Day, just seven months after our wedding day.

Although I left and the divorce was filed the abuse continued. My ex-wife would not only threaten me, she would also threaten my Mom as well. She made good on her threat shortly after I left her.

Upon the advice of my attorney, I returned to my house a few weeks later to get my personal belongings as my wife admitted in court to destroying them. My mother came with me. My Mom is a petite, elderly woman who stands just 4′11″ tall. My soon to be ex-wife chose to express her anger by slamming my elderly mother into a mirrored closet door. She physically attacked me as well that day.

As we both left the house being attacked, my father in law (magically) arrived and pushed and challenged me to punch him. We left without touching anyone. I called the police when we were in my car.

They arrived and did not call an ambulance for my mom, did not recommend any of the numerous government and legal resources available (i.e. hot lines, restraining orders, etc) and downgraded the event to a “property dispute”.

Further, the police threatened me by saying, “if you return, sir, we will arrest you for trespassing”. Keep in mind, I’m on the deed and I own the house. This attack left my mother bruised and later X-rays revealed she also suffered a near fracture as my wife beat a camera from her hands. Four counts of assault and battery/Domestic Violence with pictures and witnesses and no arrests.

If you’re male and subject to domestic violence from your wife there is little help for you.
If you’re like me, someone who’s trying to protect your rights, your property, and your family from an abusive wife, and an bias system, take heart. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Tell your story, and do what you can to take care of yourself to regain what’s important to you.

Please forward this link to all who support ending domestic violence. Each click/read earns payment for pageviews and all funds are being donated to the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women. Thanks in advance!

• Part-1 of interview
• Part-2 of interview

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DAHMW Director, Ms. Brown, comments regarding domestic abuse at:

http://www.courant.com/batteredlives

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For the first time ever, male survivors of domestic abuse will now be offered a peer led, 12-week support group online, making support available from the comforts of home.

Since 2000 the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women (DAHMW) has been offering support services to abuse survivors through its nationally available toll-free helpline. This year DAHMW will offer a virtual support group to male victims of abusive women. Participants will use virtual cameras to attend online meeting groups at a given time every week for 12 weeks.

“Over the years we have received numerous requests for this type of service from our male helpline callers,” said Jan Brown director and founder of DAHMW. “We are thrilled to be one of the first to offer this vital and needed service to male survivors of domestic abuse.”

This support group will give participants an opportunity to understand the effects of abuse on themselves and their children, explore what healthy intimate relationships look like, and help them to achieve personal growth in all areas of their life.

Currently the virtual support group is designed for male victims who have been in an abusive relationship with a female partner. To participate in the online support group, victims must be removed from the abusive partner for at least a month. Participants must have access to a computer and high-speed Internet service. DAHMW will supply the camera.

To find out more about this program, please contact DAHMW via email at dahmwagency@gmail.com or call 207.683.5758.

To chat with DAHMW please add “helpline.DAHMW” to your Google talk.

DAHMW Director, Ms. Brown, comments regarding domestic abuse at www.courant.com/batteredlives

SERVING VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women (DAHMW) is a registered non-profit organization that provides intervention and support services to victims of domestic abuse. We are a unique organization in that we specialize in offering support and services to male victims of spousal and intimate partner violence. However, our services are not limited to abused men, we also offer support and services to women in abusive relationships.

The topic of male victims and female perpetrators of domestic violence has been the controversial focus of debate for over two decades. Some say that men cannot be victims of female violence because men are more domineering as well as bigger and stronger than women. To understand how men can be victims, please visit our resource page and click on DAHMW brochures and literature.

HELPING MEN AND WOMEN IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

DAHMW was founded in October 2000. Since that time we have had thousands of calls come into the helpline from Maine and around the country.

We collaborate with a number of the established women’s domestic violence shelters in the country that also understand that the human capacity for family violence is not limited or dictated by gender. DAHMW offers support and practical services to victims, to the best of our ability given our limited financial resources.

Our trained volunteer advocates (90% of which are women) cover our toll free abuse helpline in shifts throughout the day and night. They take calls from victims, their family members and friends who are concerned about them, as well as social services agencies looking for referrals and supportive services for their male clients. 100% of our volunteers (and staff) are compassionate, caring people who want to make a difference in the lives of victims of domestic violence.